Dear Fish Diary:
One of my favorite things to do as a kid was to start screaming “SHARK” while running for the shoreline of Lake Michigan and seeing how many people would hysterically scramble behind me. My friends and I angered many lifeguards and I never quite understood why until I became a lifeguard myself. Kind of funny how I went from thinking my little prank was hysterical, to years later, telling a kid that what they’re doing is not funny and it’s dangerous, and if you do it again, I’m kicking you off the beach.
The same people who would run for the shoreline are most likely the same people who have believed the constant internet reports of sharks in the Great Lakes. The most recent one that got my attention was from several social media sites that are supposedly tracking two sharks up the coast of Lake Michigan. The sharks are named Alyssa and Kara. If you Google them, they’ll pop right up for you along with their navigation maps.
Alyssa is an 18-foot great white shark and is between 50 and 70-years old. Kara is a 16-foot great white shark and she is presumed to be 30 to 50-years old. The two sharks were caught, tagged and chipped in the Pacific Ocean by researchers and somehow everybody is tracking the sharks movements. Once you Google them, you will find they are literally everywhere, even in the Great Lakes. Alyssa made it to Ludington before turning back south into deeper water. Kara is the scary one; she’s been stalking the shallows all the way to Manistee and is now headed south, still stalking the shallows. Keep an eye on your swimming poodles and weiner dogs, people.
This is my problem with social media. These outlets are supposed to be monitoring fake news, but they are a complete failure. The only monitoring that seems to be going on is politically motivated. How many thousands are avoiding the Great Lakes beaches this summer because they are buying into the hysteria on social media of sharks being in our big water? What effect might these fake posts be having on our tourism? Are pasty and fudge sales down this year? I need to know.
If I were a charter captain on the Great Lakes, I’d be advertising great white shark fishing charters. Each time someone hooked a fish, it would be tradition for everyone to yell, “We’re going to need a bigger boat.” Oh well, we only caught some perch, a few walleye, a couple trout and a salmon, but dang it, we tried to catch those sharks and that’s what really counts. I think that next to my shark charter service, I would open up a Bigfoot viewing hiking camp. I can hear the phones ringing off the hook already.
The truth is that although many different saltwater life forms have found homes in the Great Lakes, sharks have not. As far as I can tell, the DNR has no plans to add sharks to the Master Angler program. The sharks choose salt water simply because pepper makes them sneeze.
I would probably welcome sharks more than many of the sea creatures that now reside in our freshwater paradise. Things like sea lamprey, zebra and quagga mussels, round goby, bloody red shrimp, alewives, threespine stickleback, as well as several microorganisms have all wreaked havoc on our Great Lakes’ ecosystems, threatening our native fish populations. One of the few saltwater visitors that is somewhat welcome here is the salmon. But still, no sharks.
Bull sharks are repeatedly found in the Mississippi River, but to get here they must battle weirs and dams and so far, they haven’t arrived. I’m pretty sure at this time the DNR doesn’t have a JAWS team. Sharks have been swimming the oceans for 450-million years and maybe they are just slow. Maybe we should get that JAWS team ready because in another 100, 200, or maybe 300-million years those dang sharks will be stalking our beaches. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Consider that we’ve had paved roads since 1909 and the potholes are bigger than ever, so getting a head start to keep our beaches safe is a great idea. Hint, hint DNR.
If you still think there are sharks in the Great Lakes, you can protect yourself by wearing dead or decaying shark tissue, they hate that. You can make your own spray by mixing an array of things such as tea-tree oil, vinegar, sulfur, peppers and pine oil. Who needs sunscreen, right?
Believe it or not, there are many people out there fishing that have no idea what fish they are fishing for. They don’t know the difference between a perch and a walleye. They freak out when they catch a crappie or a largemouth bass and don’t even know there is a smallmouth bass. Shark rumors could actually start when one of these people catch a pike or a muskie and tells everyone they caught a shark. These are the people I want to take out on my shark charter.
“What is this fish, Ron?”
“Well, that’s a shark, congratulations.”
“But it’s so small.”
“Yes, it’s a small shark, but it’s still a shark, congratulations.”
Funny fish stories wanted: Strangest thing you’ve ever caught.
Send a short description of your “best or worst” fishing day, or funny fishing-related adventure, or strangest thing you’ve caught. You don’t have to write the entire story, just a brief outline of what happened. If it has some humor to it, I’ll be getting in touch with you and we’ll work on the completed story together.
Contact – Woods-n-Water News columnist Ron St. Germain by calling (517) 626-2814 or emailing DaPhotoDude@aol.com. Visit the author’s Facebook page www.Facebook.com/BearwaveBooks.n
